Nearing 6 years...

I never posted for the anniversary of your passing last year, nor your 40th (whoa!!) birthday in December...

Sometimes I just have nothing to say and my heart is quiet and private from human eyes and ears. I celebrate you and love you every day. Always, I quietly miss you. 

Last year I kayaked out to the middle of a lake and quietly watched the sun setting at the moment of your own sunset. 

I felt you close... I'm so grateful for the gift that somehow I do. I know you are there. I know that life extends beyond this short sojourn. 

Another year  has  passed... 2,192 days of missing you.

I'm always impressed and grateful for you and your example. You still make me want to be my best self -  and I still feel terribly inadequate.

I'm amazed and humbled by the generous heart of God. I don't deserve his special attention, but somehow He always reminds me that He's there... That YOU are there!  I have 29,000 songs  on my iTunes, and yet as I write this,  your three songs have come on right in a row on shuffle. I haven't heard your song in over a year- and yet today, on the sixth eve of your passing, your song echoes out over the silence and covers my heart with your hug and a smile. Maybe it's chance... I believe it's you....
Give my Savior a squeeze for me and tell Him thank you for all my gifts...
... You, my family, my pups, JD, the 12th hour, His hand, His promise....

I love you always .

Happy 39th Birthday...

We just passed the 4.5 year anniversary of Shaun leaving this world. It has been 1659 days...
I miss him... so much I miss him.
This blog has changed from what it was intended to be. Obviously it had to. Our posts were so happy, full of passion, laughter, and adventures. And for the last four and a half years it's just efforts at building scar tissue through grief. Sometimes I feel like he would be disappointed in the lack of living being done by this woman he loves... but I also know he understands and aches for my sorrow. I feel like he is always standing just out of reach with a hand, asking me to move a little faster and try a little harder. He's reminding me good stuff is ahead... HE is ahead.
Walking at all was a tall order for a while. Living and caring seemed a far away thought. He was sunshine to me.
Hopes for 2013 - Find God in it, find greatness in it.... carry Shaun while not being crushed under the weight of the loss. What a balancing act!
Happy 39th birthday my love. I'm getting wrinkles... sucks that you're not.

Time...

Today holds so much power. 
It shouldn't - it's just a random day for the world, June 6th. 
But today the memories break the wall they're so lovingly put behind. Grief intrudes. Sorrow swallows the air... and the reality of loss settles quietly in my heart. 
The day life is taken from someone you love is forever hallmarked. 
It cycles around like a beautiful burden. 
Approaching and passing - leaving those few who remember shell-shocked and battered. 
I hate today. 
I struggle to celebrate his life on June 6th - because despite my best efforts, today I remember his death. 

These thoughts aren't pretty. They're not full of platitudes and grace... and I'm good with that. 

Two Years

"I believe that we will always have one hand reaching back in time, hoping to feel the touch of that marvelous life, looking back to get a glimpse of the best part of ourselves"... 

2 years ago today Shaun went home. For all who were blessed to love him, June 6th will always mark the date of our hearts darkest tragedy...Death may hold no sting - but living does.
Two years... should that seem like a long time? Should it seem short? Time dances between the two extremes, binding yesterdays to todays. It dulls the sharpness of vivid memory with its lengthy passage, but moves so quickly that the heart remains wholly untouched by time.

And so we love. Regardless of time or space between hearts. And although there's a sting, we can also learn to live.

I love you Shaun. As much today as yesterday... and will love you as much tomorrow. Your eyes were my hearts greatest blessing.
I celebrate you today - all you offered the world. All you offered me.

Tomorrow is a long time...

Tomorrow Is a Long Time - Link to song

...There is beauty in that silver singin' river...

There is beauty in that sunrise in the sky...

But none of these, and nothing else can touch the beauty...
That I remember in my true love's eyes... ~ Bob Dylan

Miss you...

Time with Dad

I had a wonderful weekend with Shaun's Dad, Norm.

I can't quite express how connecting it was to spend a weekend doing nothing but talking, laughing, and crying about our favorite topic. 

Shaun felt closer when Norm was here... the apple didn't fall far.

My heart dropped a bit to see that fabled yellow-jeep of so many of Shaun and Norm's adventures disappear into the fog.  What a precious son, and a precious Dad.  Thank you for sharing your heart Norm, and with it, some precious insights into your sweet son. 

There are some wounds time doesn't heal.
Until Heaven...
We love you. I pray that knowledge is deeply felt in your heart. You have left us aching... but you also left us with a beautiful heart to follow and memories to make us smile at night.
Someday when I find the right words to express the uniqueness of your spirit I can stop trying - but until then - I'll continue to somehow try to thank you for all your heart gives me, simply by being you. And to do a small part to help the world still be impacted by your goodness.

He is with me still... his audible voice is quieted, but my heart can still hear...
Companionship doesn't always come with a warm body... sometimes it's in the quiet of the heart. And when I can find the strength to see beyond this temporal world, I recognize I need never feel lonely.

Happy 36th

December 21st...Shaun's Birthday. He should be turning 36 today. So many dreams and so much life he missed, and also so much living he was able to squeeze into his beautiful and brief life.
I asked him when his birthday was when we first met. He said, "Well, i can't tell you, but I can tell you it rhymes with Beesimbur Bunty-fun."  I never forgot it..., guess his crafty and clever little plan worked.
I am amazed by Shaun still... every day I feel him. Every day I am better because of him. But this holiday season as I celebrate the birth of my Savior, I also celebrate the birth of my soul-friend, my heart's joy, my beloved. I express such gratitude for the blessings of their lives. They have both taught me and remind me still where I am going and the sometimes hidden and challenging path that leads home.
I feel so completely and utterly blessed to have had this incredibly precious man in my life, to have spent the closing scenes of his life with him. I could have missed out, I could have missed HIM. Thank You, God, for the blessing.
Loving and missing you always...
Happy Birthday.

What Is This Thing That Men Call Death

By President Gordon B. Hinckley (1910–2008)

What is this thing that men call death,
This quiet passing in the night?
’Tis not the end, but genesis
Of better worlds and greater light.

O God, touch Thou my aching heart,
And calm my troubled, haunting fears.
Let hope and faith, transcendent, pure,
Give strength and peace beyond my tears.

There is no death, but only change

With recompense for victory won;
The gift of Him who loved all men,
The Son of God, the Holy One.

 God be with you till we meet again...I love you.

Back to the river...

(This post has been sitting in my 'drafts' folder for a couple of months - now that it's 7 degrees outside, maybe it's time to post this in homage to the long lost warmth of Fall.)

Spent a week in Desolation Canyon... it was quiet and desolate... go figure.
It was also a much needed escape to what has always been my 'happy place'.
It provided partial solace - which was more than I expected. Seems that the best parts of life are still in the mountains, rivers, and deserts of the world. Concrete and city lights never had and never will have my heart!
During lunch, a couple of taildraggers came winding their way up the canyon... Shaun would have loved doing that... sand-bars a plenty for touching down on the river. The day remained somber and quietly lonely... wholly incomplete.
Hiking, petroglyphs, and chicks...
Watching one of our boats go through the newly altered rapid at 'Cow Swim' on river left. One or two rocks to avoid...
Hiked up to the Moonshiner's Cabin at Firewater Canyon with Ash and Kelli. Kel is one of my oldest and dearest (friends since kindergarten) and Ash was my roommate in our double-wide trailer while working as a river guide a few years back. Morning on the boats - Why mummy-bag it when I can bring my queen-size bag and sleep in comfort?
River-pup Jax. Had a great time and loved the river. Guess he's well trained.
Celebrating Kel's birthday on the river with a dutch-oven cake and match-stick candles... :)
Rowing on the river, even the worst days are good...
Camp at Upper Lion Hollow - Night 3. Awesome spot...
Queen Nefertiti - view from Camp 5.
It was good being on the river. Good getting blisters and rowing in winds... Good to remember what it feels like in places where city lights wouldn't dare detract from the skies. Found a new star cluster (new to me that is) - Pleiades - how'd I miss it all this time? Beautiful...
Always missing him - always feeling him near. Always waiting...
Love you.

Blue Skies and Tail Winds?

These last months have been a challenge. June was especially painful - but also housed a beautiful day of remembrance for myself and my loved ones. We made Shaun's favorite foods up in the mountains, watched videos, looked at pictures, told how each had been and still was impacted by the life of this beautiful man. We concluded by playing a special song and releasing 34 red and white balloons into the mountains. As they drifted up over the peaks they looked so much like his Super Cub. It was such a painful moment - futilely willing the false vision into a reality that cannot be. The truth of his passing is still so painfully surreal at times it takes my breath away. June also contained some special moments with God. He is my comfort. My only foundation. And in the darkest moment of my life, He came and stayed with me... He walks with me still.
In August I started flight school. I feel a mixture of elation and gut-wrenching pain at the same time. It's the most bizarre combination of emotions I've ever felt.
Life always feels a bit like that now - a moment of joy, but incomplete and slightly pained. I've never felt it at such a magnitude until I started flying without Shaun. It brings me such happiness - yet, is the source of my greatest pain. It's such a perfect storm!

I'm excited about getting my private pilot licensure. I feel it's important... for Shaun, for me...
I now realize how simplified Shaun was making it when he was teaching me. I'm amazed at the amount of information and minutiae necessary. I feel tremendous internal pressure to somehow memorize and perfect everything... Shaun was such a devoted master of the things he undertook. I think about all the advanced certifications, endorsements, etc that he's acquired and I'm amazed that he somehow mastered it all, along with medicine/anesthesiology, and a HOST of other things (sky diving certifications, advanced scuba, knots and pulley systems, corvette racing, aerobatic competitions, kite surfing, rock climbing, mountaineering, kayaking, dirt-biking, mountain biking, road-cycling, morse-code/ham radios, marksmanship/shooting, ad infinitum.)
I have no idea how he assimilated so much information so completely. Inspiring and daunting.
It was a hurtful and special thing to wear Shaun's headset on my first day at the controls. I hear my CFI Keith in one ear and Shaun in the other. The old familiar feeling of the headset takes me back to another time. It's so easy to remember...

I've realized that the idea of blue skies and tail winds is truly more of an idea than a reality in life. I don't think God intended this life to be one of absolute ease - but rather of trial, of tribulation, of testing, learning, refinement, and of humility. Like Shaun expressed at times, I realize that metaphorical blue skies and tail winds are rare... Perhaps the wonderment and true living of life isn't in the blue skies, but the stormy ones. That is where we are tested... where Shaun left onlookers breathless and wide-eyed.

So, I'll do my best to fly in the winds, I can't hold them at bay despite my most desperate efforts. And hopefully, by the time I'm done, I'll know how to fly in the storms and I'll be able to stand next to Shaun, someone who emulated standing firm despite the winds.
Until then, Stormy skies and cross-winds my love.
Missing you...

Trying

As those who deeply love Shaun walk through his final days, the tears never seem to run dry. Everything is so acute - not knowing what was to come last year - this time, everything is sharp... because I know how the Alaska adventure ends this time.
These recent weeks house my 'lasts'. Last laugh, last fruitless attempt at 'givin five' before he pulled his hand away last second, last quiet conversation in the night, last touch, last and final moment... last...

Every day I go back and look at the text messages we sent throughout our days - today is the last one to read...

He packed up his plane this morning, hugged his dad, and flew out of Spokane heading North to Alaska. We had spent last night talking on the phone into the wee hours... he whispered to not wake his Dad and Susanne. He was troubled. Didn't know why - just knew the trip felt _____??
Perhaps it was because he had forgotten his underwear at home in S. California :}
Shaun had every item he was bringing to Alaska laid out in his spare room WEEKS before. Meticulously thought through, weighed, weighed again, and ready... and he forgot his undies. Those and his favorite black fleece with welded seams - the fleece you'll see on him in 80% of his photos.

After our conversation the previous night- He sent me my last text as he packed up this morning - still not feeling his usual peace associated with Alaska - saying "what the heck am I doing. Uggh. Silly trip"
He had felt some unrest about leaving... for many reasons I'm sure... some of which he could never pin-point.
I hate asking questions now -- they are an empty impossibility. Yet I admit... I am plagued by them.
What if... what if... what if..... Did he... Is he... Does he... Am I?
and the worst, most painfully unanswerable question... Why...

Shaun was so beautifully alive in every way. I can't stand, nor can I grasp the finality of what happened this coming week. I was worried about bears... I obsessed about the damn bears. Why did it never occur to me that the angel could fall...

The world is quieter. The colors are faded. Smiles are intentional. If Shaun lived in your heart, you know this is the way it should be.

Can I speak the pain and not regret it? Will my grief be critiqued?
I can't pretend to be strong tonight. I'm so tired of pretending.

The world is changed -- and it should be.

Father, please take care of my only and my last. Shaun's first night on the journey. Emailed a year ago tonight. Smithers, B.C.
(5/30/08, 10:55pm)

Remembrance of a Beautiful Life - One Year

This is Heidi’s sister, Becky.

June 6th, 2009 marks one year since a tragic accident took Shaun from this world (shaunlunt.typepad.com). For some, including my sister, life will never be the same. This coming weekend we will be having a small celebration of Shaun’s life. I wanted to ask all of you to please participate.

Shaun always hoped his life would somehow make a difference. And he lived in a way that secured an incredibly beautiful legacy.
Something that has been very meaningful to Heidi as she has continued to grieve over the loss of this tremendous man, is hearing how he made and still makes a difference in the lives of others.

Some of you know and love him greatly and some of you never met him, yet still feel his impact. Whether you knew him well or not at all, if you have any comments or thoughts about his story, his life, remembrances and memories, or how his story or life have impacted, inspired or made you want to be a better person – PLEASE SHARE! You can email me directly at jbek07@gmail.com.
We will also forward all the comments to Shaun’s mom, dad and sister. They, along with Heidi, will cherish knowing how Shaun made a difference in life and still makes a difference in his absence. These comments will be read as we love and remember Shaun and his life on Saturday, June 6, 2009.

Breathe in, Breathe out

What do I say about my sweet love...

I very much want Shaun's life to continue to influence others - and if I can help in that by sharing some of him, some of me - I want to. These past few months have been some of the hardest. Sometimes night is just night... with no cliche about stars or dawn. Sometimes it's just dark and hard.

I don't want to focus on the sad part of things - but the truth is, as incredible as this man is, he is gone from the world. Whether it's a brief or lengthy sojourn until we meet -- the empty truth is he is absent. And the hole is unavoidable. Grief never goes away... it never lessens... but I suppose our hearts continue to beat nonetheless. Grief does not equate depression. It's a rich burden... one that I gladly carry.

I have loved hearing from so many people who know or have never known Shaun, and are impacted by his life. I have also appreciated hearing from folks who still struggle to breathe from losses of their own.

I haven't written in a couple of months, not knowing how to even sort-of contribute to the legacy he wordlessly left the world with.
All I know is I still ache for this incredibly good man. I'm trying to figure out how to balance the desire for life to speedily move forward to the glorious end, and somehow living purposefully and leaving a legacy of my own.
So - until I figure out those age-old questions - there is still peace in the rivers, in the mountains, and in the quiet villages of Ireland. Guess I'll have to visit them all...

I love you Shaun. That is one part of my soul that is calm and peaceful... it is sure. I miss you...

Blue skies and tail winds :)

Just found this picture today. Shaun emailed from his iPhone letting me know what he was up to. 3/23/08: "Surfing the internet with my paternal".

Father and son. More importantly - respected equals and the best of friends.

shaunlunt.typepad.com

I took the one less traveled by...

A much needed escape presented itself and I was able to spend 16 days wandering through Europe with my friend Samira. I think we got tickets in 8 different countries.
I thought the autobahn had no speed limit?

The road less traveled... in Luxembourg... or Belgium.

The ill-fated spelunking expedition...

Pitch Black, No lights, No headlamps, and not a whole lot of thinking on my part.

Decided to wander into the pitch-black (spider infested) cave - and didn't notice the floor of the cave (or lack thereof) until I was falling... Seriously falling.

The stinky venture ended in bloody body parts and a swim in a whole lot of thick stinky mud that must've been in that stinky pit for hundreds of stinky years.

Bloodsucker #1, and Bloodsucker #2 were discovered after trying to light the way with flash photography. Not my 'brightest' plan.
(That pun was for you, Shaun)The middle of somewhere - "Sleeping" in our toy euro-car...

Heidelberg Castle, Germany
Heidi and Samira - Heidelberg, GermanySnoozin with Shrek - Our version of the traveling gnome.

Bourscheid, Luxembourg -the reward for taking roads you're not allowed to take, and entering property you're not allowed to enter. This view was courtesy of a gardener who brought us to a trailer park to find THIS.

Speed limit for tanks - remnants from WWII, Germany.

Going green? Cologne, Germany

Classic Netherlands
"Please stop trying to speak Dutch, it hurts my ears"

The O.G. of Germany

Loch Ness, Scotland - not quite as scary as one would suspect...

Neither was Nessie...

Ireland

Somehow Samira pulled off the Glamour-shot. Giant's Causeway, Northern Ireland.

Claiming the throne - Giant's Causeway, Northern Ireland

Stonehenge, England - If you pronounce that /stowne-enge/ and think of Spinal Tap, then this one goes to 11.

Our plan was to take the smallest and most obscure roads and see where they ended up. It paid off over and over... granted, there were times we got high-centered in the mud, ended up in somebody's farm, and had to plead ignorance with the polizei after entering the no-entry zones... but we were also lucky enough to end up here.
A village near Easky, Ireland.
A throw-back to another age, and utterly charming.

Blarney, Ireland

Somewhere... Irish Countryside

Ireland

Blarney, Ireland

Another benefit to our 'roadless' plan. A beautiful moss-covered wall in the middle of nowhere.

Creevykeel (Court Cairn/Tomb) - from 4000-2500 B.C., near Sligo, Ireland - FYI, it's against the law to remove rocks from neolithic World Heritage Sites... hmmm.Mussenden Temple, on the cliffs of the Irish shore.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.