These recent weeks house my 'lasts'. Last laugh, last fruitless attempt at 'givin five' before he pulled his hand away last second, last quiet conversation in the night, last touch, last and final moment... last...
Every day I go back and look at the text messages we sent throughout our days - today is the last one to read...
He packed up his plane this morning, hugged his dad, and flew out of Spokane heading North to Alaska. We had spent last night talking on the phone into the wee hours... he whispered to not wake his Dad and Susanne. He was troubled. Didn't know why - just knew the trip felt _____??
Perhaps it was because he had forgotten his underwear at home in S. California :}
Shaun had every item he was bringing to Alaska laid out in his spare room WEEKS before. Meticulously thought through, weighed, weighed again, and ready... and he forgot his undies. Those and his favorite black fleece with welded seams - the fleece you'll see on him in 80% of his photos.
After our conversation the previous night- He sent me my last text as he packed up this morning - still not feeling his usual peace associated with Alaska - saying "what the heck am I doing. Uggh. Silly trip"
He had felt some unrest about leaving... for many reasons I'm sure... some of which he could never pin-point.
I hate asking questions now -- they are an empty impossibility. Yet I admit... I am plagued by them.
What if... what if... what if..... Did he... Is he... Does he... Am I?
and the worst, most painfully unanswerable question... Why...
Shaun was so beautifully alive in every way. I can't stand, nor can I grasp the finality of what happened this coming week. I was worried about bears... I obsessed about the damn bears. Why did it never occur to me that the angel could fall...
The world is quieter. The colors are faded. Smiles are intentional. If Shaun lived in your heart, you know this is the way it should be.
Can I speak the pain and not regret it? Will my grief be critiqued?
I can't pretend to be strong tonight. I'm so tired of pretending.
The world is changed -- and it should be.
Father, please take care of my only and my last. 
Shaun's first night on the journey. Emailed a year ago tonight. Smithers, B.C.
(5/30/08, 10:55pm)
Shaun's first night on the journey. Emailed a year ago tonight. Smithers, B.C.(5/30/08, 10:55pm)
2 comments:
You are such a beautiful writer and you express your feelings and thoughts so well. My heart still aches for you and you make me want to meet Shaun because he was such an amazing man in your life. I understand the questions and no answers - it's so hard and there aren't many words of comfort. I am just so glad you are able to share him with all of us because that is such an incredible gift.
Hi Heidi, I came across your blog while searching for "moss-covered castle walls". Completely random. But I couldn't help but look through your pictures, and read some of your entries. Before reading anything, I saw pictures of you two and thought "What a beautiful couple!" So outgoing, so many adventures...my kind of people! When I noticed you referring to him in the past tense it really broke my heart. Although you're a complete stranger to me, you'll be in my thoughts. I wish you all the strength in the world until you're reunited again. Thanks for sharing your stories and thoughts; they really touched me.
Caroline
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