Last night was another of many long, sleepless, and tearful nights. It has been 9 weeks, and the ache in my heart has not diminished. If anything, the passing of time makes his absence that much more acute.
When I think of Shaun, I find myself smiling through the tears. He lives in my heart and memory, and he never ceases to make me laugh. I still feel so very very blessed to have had him in my life.
Shaun and I both feel that God is the closest, and our minds and hearts the most silent when we are in the outdoors. That is now when I often feel the closest to Shaun as well, when I'm somewhere far from city lights, sounds and smells. I feel him near me. I feel his encouragement. I feel his love.
I have continued to do some of our favorite outdoor activities - backpacking, camping, cycling, rock climbing, etc. I appreciate time spent with others - it often lifts me. I also really appreciate being alone - because that's when I can often be the least alone.
Shaun told his mom in a quiet moment as he left for Alaska that he was ready to 'go'. I've never known another person so well prepared to leave this life. It was just the rest of us who weren't ready to let him go.
He lived for his Father in Heaven - and he still lives for Him now.
I guess I share these thoughts, because, in the end, I want to share how Shaun's influence and life testify of the God he loves. Shaun's life continues to testify to my heart every single day...
When I have let my grief push me loose from my spiritual moorings, Shaun's voice continually helps me find my anchor again.
These last 9 weeks have been so very long. The idea of "life" seems too long to wait to see Shaun again. Tonight, I put my faith in God, who I'm beginning to learn also cries with me at night. I have work to do. I pray that I can live for my Father. That I will choose Him when the choosing is hard.
Shaun's sister, Shelly, said it beautifully... "Heaven has become so much sweeter for me in the last weeks. Not that it is truly any sweeter, but that my relating to the concept and the promise now has Shaun's face beside God's".
I'm excited to go home...
I miss you, Shaun. :)
