In August I started flight school. I feel a mixture of elation and gut-wrenching pain at the same time. It's the most bizarre combination of emotions I've ever felt.
Life always feels a bit like that now - a moment of joy, but incomplete and slightly pained. I've never felt it at such a magnitude until I started flying without Shaun. It brings me such happiness - yet, is the source of my greatest pain. It's such a perfect storm!
I'm excited about getting my private pilot licensure. I feel it's important... for Shaun, for me...
I now realize how simplified Shaun was making it when he was teaching me. I'm amazed at the amount of information and minutiae necessary. I feel tremendous internal pressure to somehow memorize and perfect everything... Shaun was such a devoted master of the things he undertook. I think about all the advanced certifications, endorsements, etc that he's acquired and I'm amazed that he somehow mastered it all, along with medicine/anesthesiology, and a HOST of other things (sky diving certifications, advanced scuba, knots and pulley systems, corvette racing, aerobatic competitions, kite surfing, rock climbing, mountaineering, kayaking, dirt-biking, mountain biking, road-cycling
I have no idea how he assimilated so much information so completely. Inspiring and daunting.
I've realized that the idea of blue skies and tail winds is truly more of an idea than a reality in life. I don't think God intended this life to be one of absolute ease - but rather of trial, of tribulation, of testing, learning, refinement, and of humility. Like Shaun expressed at times, I realize that metaphorical blue skies and tail winds are rare... Perhaps the wonderment and true living of life isn't in the blue skies, but the stormy ones. That is where we ar
So, I'll do my best to fly in the winds, I can't hold them at bay despite my most desperate efforts. And hopefully, by the time I'm done, I'll know how to fly in the storms and I'll be able to stand next to Shaun, someone who emulated standing firm despite the winds.
Until then, Stormy skies and cross-winds my love.
4 comments:
Yep, he was an extraordinarily diverse and profound friend of true genius. I saved and often read our email correspondences, which I will share if you so desire. I'm often brought to face and question the stark moment of when I learned of our sudden loss. The confounding flashes of shock and disbelief continue still, although not as frequently or severe.
Since the loss of Shaun, I shudder to relay that I lost my dear identical twin brother in a similar accident. Will be one year on November 3. My loving family (I've also been blessed with 5 year old identical twin boys)gives me hope for the future. Although the daily grind of one's responsibilities and striving for personal goals (big or small) can be momentary focal points to excuse one from the grief process, I can only say that it would be our 'angels' greatest desires for us to continue life in this approach. The best memorial one can give another is to live for your collective accomplishments, cherish the memories that made you unique, and live to take on new challenges, which serves as a commemorative for others to aspire.
It makes me happy to know you have taken on the challenges of becoming a pilot. It's inspiring and encouraging for others to see your strength and healing.
Steve
Steve,
Thank you for such beautiful words. I'm depthfully sorry for the loss of your brother. Despite needing to live for our 'angels', I also know these are losses there will be no true recovery from. I'm so sorry yours has had to grow beyond the loss of Shaun to another who is also so irreplaceable.
I would love to hear about your friendship with Shaun. I'm not sure how to get in touch - and not wanting to post my email online, I would love for you to send me a message and connect on facebook. There should be a link on my blog. Thank you again for taking the time...
You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Heidi
Heidi,
I know life will never be the same after such a great loss. I've learned that bereavement on such an enormous scale requires an 'epoch' in one's life, and we've definitely been tested in ways never imagined. I would be happy to share with you my experiences with Shaun.I looked forward to many good times with him, he was a true inspiration.
Steve
docstevew1@aol.com
Heidi, I just read your blog from start to finish. I know I have heard bits and pieces of Shaun's story, but this time I got to read it all. You did a fabulous job sharing it. You are amazing. I am so sorry for your loss. I can't begin to imagine. Email me cmccann7@hotmail.com and I'll send you an invite to my blog if you want one. We should get together sometime! :)
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