Happy 36th

December 21st...Shaun's Birthday. He should be turning 36 today. So many dreams and so much life he missed, and also so much living he was able to squeeze into his beautiful and brief life.
I asked him when his birthday was when we first met. He said, "Well, i can't tell you, but I can tell you it rhymes with Beesimbur Bunty-fun."  I never forgot it..., guess his crafty and clever little plan worked.
I am amazed by Shaun still... every day I feel him. Every day I am better because of him. But this holiday season as I celebrate the birth of my Savior, I also celebrate the birth of my soul-friend, my heart's joy, my beloved. I express such gratitude for the blessings of their lives. They have both taught me and remind me still where I am going and the sometimes hidden and challenging path that leads home.
I feel so completely and utterly blessed to have had this incredibly precious man in my life, to have spent the closing scenes of his life with him. I could have missed out, I could have missed HIM. Thank You, God, for the blessing.
Loving and missing you always...
Happy Birthday.

What Is This Thing That Men Call Death

By President Gordon B. Hinckley (1910–2008)

What is this thing that men call death,
This quiet passing in the night?
’Tis not the end, but genesis
Of better worlds and greater light.

O God, touch Thou my aching heart,
And calm my troubled, haunting fears.
Let hope and faith, transcendent, pure,
Give strength and peace beyond my tears.

There is no death, but only change

With recompense for victory won;
The gift of Him who loved all men,
The Son of God, the Holy One.

 God be with you till we meet again...I love you.

Back to the river...

(This post has been sitting in my 'drafts' folder for a couple of months - now that it's 7 degrees outside, maybe it's time to post this in homage to the long lost warmth of Fall.)

Spent a week in Desolation Canyon... it was quiet and desolate... go figure.
It was also a much needed escape to what has always been my 'happy place'.
It provided partial solace - which was more than I expected. Seems that the best parts of life are still in the mountains, rivers, and deserts of the world. Concrete and city lights never had and never will have my heart!
During lunch, a couple of taildraggers came winding their way up the canyon... Shaun would have loved doing that... sand-bars a plenty for touching down on the river. The day remained somber and quietly lonely... wholly incomplete.
Hiking, petroglyphs, and chicks...
Watching one of our boats go through the newly altered rapid at 'Cow Swim' on river left. One or two rocks to avoid...
Hiked up to the Moonshiner's Cabin at Firewater Canyon with Ash and Kelli. Kel is one of my oldest and dearest (friends since kindergarten) and Ash was my roommate in our double-wide trailer while working as a river guide a few years back. Morning on the boats - Why mummy-bag it when I can bring my queen-size bag and sleep in comfort?
River-pup Jax. Had a great time and loved the river. Guess he's well trained.
Celebrating Kel's birthday on the river with a dutch-oven cake and match-stick candles... :)
Rowing on the river, even the worst days are good...
Camp at Upper Lion Hollow - Night 3. Awesome spot...
Queen Nefertiti - view from Camp 5.
It was good being on the river. Good getting blisters and rowing in winds... Good to remember what it feels like in places where city lights wouldn't dare detract from the skies. Found a new star cluster (new to me that is) - Pleiades - how'd I miss it all this time? Beautiful...
Always missing him - always feeling him near. Always waiting...
Love you.

Blue Skies and Tail Winds?

These last months have been a challenge. June was especially painful - but also housed a beautiful day of remembrance for myself and my loved ones. We made Shaun's favorite foods up in the mountains, watched videos, looked at pictures, told how each had been and still was impacted by the life of this beautiful man. We concluded by playing a special song and releasing 34 red and white balloons into the mountains. As they drifted up over the peaks they looked so much like his Super Cub. It was such a painful moment - futilely willing the false vision into a reality that cannot be. The truth of his passing is still so painfully surreal at times it takes my breath away. June also contained some special moments with God. He is my comfort. My only foundation. And in the darkest moment of my life, He came and stayed with me... He walks with me still.
In August I started flight school. I feel a mixture of elation and gut-wrenching pain at the same time. It's the most bizarre combination of emotions I've ever felt.
Life always feels a bit like that now - a moment of joy, but incomplete and slightly pained. I've never felt it at such a magnitude until I started flying without Shaun. It brings me such happiness - yet, is the source of my greatest pain. It's such a perfect storm!

I'm excited about getting my private pilot licensure. I feel it's important... for Shaun, for me...
I now realize how simplified Shaun was making it when he was teaching me. I'm amazed at the amount of information and minutiae necessary. I feel tremendous internal pressure to somehow memorize and perfect everything... Shaun was such a devoted master of the things he undertook. I think about all the advanced certifications, endorsements, etc that he's acquired and I'm amazed that he somehow mastered it all, along with medicine/anesthesiology, and a HOST of other things (sky diving certifications, advanced scuba, knots and pulley systems, corvette racing, aerobatic competitions, kite surfing, rock climbing, mountaineering, kayaking, dirt-biking, mountain biking, road-cycling, morse-code/ham radios, marksmanship/shooting, ad infinitum.)
I have no idea how he assimilated so much information so completely. Inspiring and daunting.
It was a hurtful and special thing to wear Shaun's headset on my first day at the controls. I hear my CFI Keith in one ear and Shaun in the other. The old familiar feeling of the headset takes me back to another time. It's so easy to remember...

I've realized that the idea of blue skies and tail winds is truly more of an idea than a reality in life. I don't think God intended this life to be one of absolute ease - but rather of trial, of tribulation, of testing, learning, refinement, and of humility. Like Shaun expressed at times, I realize that metaphorical blue skies and tail winds are rare... Perhaps the wonderment and true living of life isn't in the blue skies, but the stormy ones. That is where we are tested... where Shaun left onlookers breathless and wide-eyed.

So, I'll do my best to fly in the winds, I can't hold them at bay despite my most desperate efforts. And hopefully, by the time I'm done, I'll know how to fly in the storms and I'll be able to stand next to Shaun, someone who emulated standing firm despite the winds.
Until then, Stormy skies and cross-winds my love.
Missing you...

Trying

As those who deeply love Shaun walk through his final days, the tears never seem to run dry. Everything is so acute - not knowing what was to come last year - this time, everything is sharp... because I know how the Alaska adventure ends this time.
These recent weeks house my 'lasts'. Last laugh, last fruitless attempt at 'givin five' before he pulled his hand away last second, last quiet conversation in the night, last touch, last and final moment... last...

Every day I go back and look at the text messages we sent throughout our days - today is the last one to read...

He packed up his plane this morning, hugged his dad, and flew out of Spokane heading North to Alaska. We had spent last night talking on the phone into the wee hours... he whispered to not wake his Dad and Susanne. He was troubled. Didn't know why - just knew the trip felt _____??
Perhaps it was because he had forgotten his underwear at home in S. California :}
Shaun had every item he was bringing to Alaska laid out in his spare room WEEKS before. Meticulously thought through, weighed, weighed again, and ready... and he forgot his undies. Those and his favorite black fleece with welded seams - the fleece you'll see on him in 80% of his photos.

After our conversation the previous night- He sent me my last text as he packed up this morning - still not feeling his usual peace associated with Alaska - saying "what the heck am I doing. Uggh. Silly trip"
He had felt some unrest about leaving... for many reasons I'm sure... some of which he could never pin-point.
I hate asking questions now -- they are an empty impossibility. Yet I admit... I am plagued by them.
What if... what if... what if..... Did he... Is he... Does he... Am I?
and the worst, most painfully unanswerable question... Why...

Shaun was so beautifully alive in every way. I can't stand, nor can I grasp the finality of what happened this coming week. I was worried about bears... I obsessed about the damn bears. Why did it never occur to me that the angel could fall...

The world is quieter. The colors are faded. Smiles are intentional. If Shaun lived in your heart, you know this is the way it should be.

Can I speak the pain and not regret it? Will my grief be critiqued?
I can't pretend to be strong tonight. I'm so tired of pretending.

The world is changed -- and it should be.

Father, please take care of my only and my last. Shaun's first night on the journey. Emailed a year ago tonight. Smithers, B.C.
(5/30/08, 10:55pm)

Remembrance of a Beautiful Life - One Year

This is Heidi’s sister, Becky.

June 6th, 2009 marks one year since a tragic accident took Shaun from this world (shaunlunt.typepad.com). For some, including my sister, life will never be the same. This coming weekend we will be having a small celebration of Shaun’s life. I wanted to ask all of you to please participate.

Shaun always hoped his life would somehow make a difference. And he lived in a way that secured an incredibly beautiful legacy.
Something that has been very meaningful to Heidi as she has continued to grieve over the loss of this tremendous man, is hearing how he made and still makes a difference in the lives of others.

Some of you know and love him greatly and some of you never met him, yet still feel his impact. Whether you knew him well or not at all, if you have any comments or thoughts about his story, his life, remembrances and memories, or how his story or life have impacted, inspired or made you want to be a better person – PLEASE SHARE! You can email me directly at jbek07@gmail.com.
We will also forward all the comments to Shaun’s mom, dad and sister. They, along with Heidi, will cherish knowing how Shaun made a difference in life and still makes a difference in his absence. These comments will be read as we love and remember Shaun and his life on Saturday, June 6, 2009.

Breathe in, Breathe out

What do I say about my sweet love...

I very much want Shaun's life to continue to influence others - and if I can help in that by sharing some of him, some of me - I want to. These past few months have been some of the hardest. Sometimes night is just night... with no cliche about stars or dawn. Sometimes it's just dark and hard.

I don't want to focus on the sad part of things - but the truth is, as incredible as this man is, he is gone from the world. Whether it's a brief or lengthy sojourn until we meet -- the empty truth is he is absent. And the hole is unavoidable. Grief never goes away... it never lessens... but I suppose our hearts continue to beat nonetheless. Grief does not equate depression. It's a rich burden... one that I gladly carry.

I have loved hearing from so many people who know or have never known Shaun, and are impacted by his life. I have also appreciated hearing from folks who still struggle to breathe from losses of their own.

I haven't written in a couple of months, not knowing how to even sort-of contribute to the legacy he wordlessly left the world with.
All I know is I still ache for this incredibly good man. I'm trying to figure out how to balance the desire for life to speedily move forward to the glorious end, and somehow living purposefully and leaving a legacy of my own.
So - until I figure out those age-old questions - there is still peace in the rivers, in the mountains, and in the quiet villages of Ireland. Guess I'll have to visit them all...

I love you Shaun. That is one part of my soul that is calm and peaceful... it is sure. I miss you...

Blue skies and tail winds :)

Just found this picture today. Shaun emailed from his iPhone letting me know what he was up to. 3/23/08: "Surfing the internet with my paternal".

Father and son. More importantly - respected equals and the best of friends.

shaunlunt.typepad.com

I took the one less traveled by...

A much needed escape presented itself and I was able to spend 16 days wandering through Europe with my friend Samira. I think we got tickets in 8 different countries.
I thought the autobahn had no speed limit?

The road less traveled... in Luxembourg... or Belgium.

The ill-fated spelunking expedition...

Pitch Black, No lights, No headlamps, and not a whole lot of thinking on my part.

Decided to wander into the pitch-black (spider infested) cave - and didn't notice the floor of the cave (or lack thereof) until I was falling... Seriously falling.

The stinky venture ended in bloody body parts and a swim in a whole lot of thick stinky mud that must've been in that stinky pit for hundreds of stinky years.

Bloodsucker #1, and Bloodsucker #2 were discovered after trying to light the way with flash photography. Not my 'brightest' plan.
(That pun was for you, Shaun)The middle of somewhere - "Sleeping" in our toy euro-car...

Heidelberg Castle, Germany
Heidi and Samira - Heidelberg, GermanySnoozin with Shrek - Our version of the traveling gnome.

Bourscheid, Luxembourg -the reward for taking roads you're not allowed to take, and entering property you're not allowed to enter. This view was courtesy of a gardener who brought us to a trailer park to find THIS.

Speed limit for tanks - remnants from WWII, Germany.

Going green? Cologne, Germany

Classic Netherlands
"Please stop trying to speak Dutch, it hurts my ears"

The O.G. of Germany

Loch Ness, Scotland - not quite as scary as one would suspect...

Neither was Nessie...

Ireland

Somehow Samira pulled off the Glamour-shot. Giant's Causeway, Northern Ireland.

Claiming the throne - Giant's Causeway, Northern Ireland

Stonehenge, England - If you pronounce that /stowne-enge/ and think of Spinal Tap, then this one goes to 11.

Our plan was to take the smallest and most obscure roads and see where they ended up. It paid off over and over... granted, there were times we got high-centered in the mud, ended up in somebody's farm, and had to plead ignorance with the polizei after entering the no-entry zones... but we were also lucky enough to end up here.
A village near Easky, Ireland.
A throw-back to another age, and utterly charming.

Blarney, Ireland

Somewhere... Irish Countryside

Ireland

Blarney, Ireland

Another benefit to our 'roadless' plan. A beautiful moss-covered wall in the middle of nowhere.

Creevykeel (Court Cairn/Tomb) - from 4000-2500 B.C., near Sligo, Ireland - FYI, it's against the law to remove rocks from neolithic World Heritage Sites... hmmm.Mussenden Temple, on the cliffs of the Irish shore.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Love and Memories... Feb '09

VALENTINE'S DAY - 2008

This week has been emotional in many ways. I tend to do a lot of re-living these days.
And this particular week houses my most treasured memories with Shaun.
This was the week that he sat me down on his couch, hugged my knees to his chest, and said those carefully given three little words that he'd never shared with another woman.

Shaun was one of the few people I've ever met who experienced life in the synergistic balance of emotion and reason. Many people cater toward their reason, and others get carried away by their heart - Shaun couldn't and wouldn't dampen the importance of either. You knew that when Shaun shared an important thought, that it was something he had balanced, weighed, explored and sometimes obsessed about in both his heart and mind.

Shaun could relax and be nothing but silly and funny... but you would be in err to think that for a moment he wasn't keenly aware. Shaun was fair. He was honest. He had zero tolerance for anything other than the truth. I felt safe in Shaun.
He didn't share his core truths lightly - and when he did, you knew you were being granted access to hallowed ground. His heart is absolutely precious to me.

Valentine's Day can be a bit of a silly ritual... but it now is something quietly meaningful to me. It's a memory of LOVE. Unfeigned and untouchable. I have struggled with being pulled toward the hopelessness of grief this week, but my cute mom reminded me of a greater perspective. Instead of mourning the loss of his daily love - I get to carry something much more lasting and meaningful in my heart. I can have something to hold in my memory... and I can wait for home.

My little lullaby for Shaun. I cherish all you gave me every day. I know you're there.

I love you too, Shaun... and you already know why.

Life 101

(Making his famous nachos, chip by chip)

Did you know Shaun 'spoke' Morse Code?

He had a childhood passion for ham radios and learned Morse Code in his youth. Even as an adult he had a registered call sign.

He would send sweet messages that I would only have the reward of understanding if I went through the chore of deciphering them.

He actually knows Morse Code (!)... just another adorably unique little piece of his character that Shaun pursued with voracity. He built his character and his personality with devotion. When Shaun decided to learn about something he would LEARN it. If he was going to do it, he was going to DO it.

Example: He was very interested in guns and ballistics. He studied them backwards and forwards - analyzing trajectory and creating extensive ballistics charts (which he later tried to teach me with slight amazement that I didn't immediately grasp the complexity of his calculations).

I was always curious if I would ever be able to find something that Shaun wasn't amazing at doing - whether through practice or inherent ability. After months and months I was only able to come up with 2 things: 1st - Shaun was a little afraid of whitewater kayaking ( he wasn't the strongest of swimmers), and 2nd - the man could not cook eggs. He was actually a better cook than me with most things, which isn't a huge compliment to either of us because he's not a great cook.

Eggs are one of my few culinary talents - but one morning Shaun asked to do a solo-run on the eggs. He cooked the egg whites on very low heat for about 20 minutes. He was very proud of himself so I ate my rubber-band-egg quickly and with enthusiasm. He took only one bite (after having to saw the egg to create a bite-size portion) - then silently brooded, scowling at his plate for a good 5 minutes before picking up the offending food and sailing it like a frisbee across the room. He didn't attempt eggs again - one of the few things he ever stunk at... ever.

Shaun's passion for living and his devotion to mastering any undertaking is another of his gifts I carry into the New Year. As I determine a couple goals/hopes for the coming year, I think of Shaun... and I'm going big.

88 to Alpha Alpha Seven Bravo Tango

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