VALENTINE'S DAY - 2008This week has been emotional in many ways. I tend to do a lot of re-living these days.
And this particular week houses my most treasured memories with Shaun.
This was the week that he sat me down on his couch, hugged my knees to his chest, and said those carefully given three little words that he'd never shared with another woman.
Shaun was one of the few people I've ever met who experienced life in the synergistic balance of emotion and reason. Many people cater toward their reason, and others get carried away by their heart - Shaun couldn't and wouldn't dampen the importance of either. You knew that when Shaun shared an important thought, that it was something he had balanced, weighed, explored and sometimes obsessed about in both his heart and mind.
Shaun could relax and be nothing but silly and funny... but you would be in err to think that for a moment he wasn't keenly aware. Shaun was fair. He was honest. He had zero tolerance for anything other than the truth. I felt safe in Shaun.
He didn't share his core truths lightly - and when he did, you knew you were being granted access to hallowed ground. His heart is absolutely precious to me.
Valentine's Day can be a bit of a silly ritual... but it now is something quietly meaningful to me. It's a memory of LOVE. Unfeigned and untouchable. I have struggled with being pulled toward the hopelessness of grief this week, but my cute mom reminded me of a greater perspective. Instead of mourning the loss of his daily love - I get to carry something much more lasting and meaningful in my heart. I can have something to hold in my memory... and I can wait for home.
My little lullaby for Shaun. I cherish all you gave me every day. I know you're there.
I love you too, Shaun... and you already know why.
5 comments:
Heidi i met shaun in the summer of 07 in alaska. We were both getting CUB fuel. I was looking at his pictures this morning and saw your blog. God bless you in your moments of sorrow.
dugair1@msn.com
south jordan, utah
Heidi, what a fantastic man. What a privileged woman to know him and to love and be loved by him. May I share my favorite poem with you -
Love is not all,
It is not meat, nor drink,
Nor a roof against the rain,
Nor yet a floating spar to men
That sink and rise, and sink and rise again.
Love cannot fill the thickened lung with breath,
Nor set the fractured bone,
Yet many a man is making friends with death -
Even as I speak -
For lack of love alone.
It well may be that in some difficult hour,
Pinned down by pain, and moaning for release,
Or nagged by want past resolutions power,
I might be driven to sell your love for peace,
Or trade the memory of our "time" for food.
It well may be.
But I do not think I would.
Hang in there. This life is "not all" either. Where he is now, he can be with you every moment.
Marsha
Beautiful Heidi. I write this with all the love in my heart for you and everyone who loved Shaun. This is Michelle Newman-Gene and Marsha's daughter. Seems like the last time we even saw each other, I was probably 10 and a gawky little girl who was fascinated by your beauty. Here we are 15 years later, with different losses, but similar grief. I have spent the better part of the morning reading and getting to know Shaun and have an insight of the life you two shared together. What a beautiful life it is. Charming, romantic, exciting, lovely. What a wonderful wonderful man. I am sorely sorry for your loss. I have found myself in tears all morning over the loss you face and the acute pain that accompanies it. We have similar losses, but different. I too lost the man of my dreams, the one I thought I would be with for the better part of my life, the one who filled a part in my heart that I didn't even know was missing. I lost my dearest sweetest oldest son James. It's been almost 3 years for me now. Truly, my heart has broken for you in a million tiny pieces, as I am sure yours has too. I wish that I could put your heart back together for you. A few things I want to tell you during this time in your grief:
1. It's okay to hurt, to break down, to not function. You are not out of the norm. You deserve this time to mourn however you need to.
2. It's okay to be selfish. Grieving is a selfish period in your life. Do it now, and don't feel bad. Get your hair, nails done. . whatever makes you feel better about yourself. . . for me, I felt so awful on the inside, the least I could do was try to feel good on the outside.
3. Be honest with your feelings, don't hide them, the only way your family will know how to help you is if you are open and honest. Death is unchartered territory for many and many don't know how to handle the subject. The more open you are the more comfortable they will be.
4. If you need to cry to someone, you can cry to me.
5. You are beautiful and wonderful and believe me when I say that though you will never "get over" the loss of Shaun, the sun will shine again, the birds will chirp again, the beauty will return again. It's okay if you don't feel like they will, but trust me when I say it does get better. Don't feel bad or rushed to "make it better." that is not something that can be rushed, it's a period I believe God gave us to self search and come to know him better. The depths of pain will in return help us identify and and appreciate to a fuller capacity joy.
6. God Loves you. Shaun did not die because you did something wrong, and it's not a punishment. I don't know if you have struggled with this or will, but I know I did, so I thought I would include it.
7. Be kind to yourself. Be patient with your grief. If grief gets the better part of you, don't be mad at yourself. Take it 1 day, 1 hour, 1 moment at a time.
8. I may become your new found lost friend that you didn't even know you had until today. I hope that is okay.
If you ever need someone to talk to who "gets it" I am always always available for lunch, and as a shoulder. I'm even willing to cry with you. Much love to you Beautiful girl. My prayers will be with you from here on out. Much love,
Michelle
My email just in case
michelle.kra@gmail.com
Heidi,
I don't know you or Shaun from Adam until I came across your blog this morning researching guns/ammunition.
I have spent the last 3 hours reading & crying through your beautiful story along with researching trips to Alaska.
I cannot add to so many of what you've said, reverance you have for Shaun, your love & laughter together, your amazing trips, & steady love. The whole thing is stunning, beautiful, tragic, & joyful. I want to live like Shaun did.
joel
joelehlers@gmail.com
Post a Comment