Trying

As those who deeply love Shaun walk through his final days, the tears never seem to run dry. Everything is so acute - not knowing what was to come last year - this time, everything is sharp... because I know how the Alaska adventure ends this time.
These recent weeks house my 'lasts'. Last laugh, last fruitless attempt at 'givin five' before he pulled his hand away last second, last quiet conversation in the night, last touch, last and final moment... last...

Every day I go back and look at the text messages we sent throughout our days - today is the last one to read...

He packed up his plane this morning, hugged his dad, and flew out of Spokane heading North to Alaska. We had spent last night talking on the phone into the wee hours... he whispered to not wake his Dad and Susanne. He was troubled. Didn't know why - just knew the trip felt _____??
Perhaps it was because he had forgotten his underwear at home in S. California :}
Shaun had every item he was bringing to Alaska laid out in his spare room WEEKS before. Meticulously thought through, weighed, weighed again, and ready... and he forgot his undies. Those and his favorite black fleece with welded seams - the fleece you'll see on him in 80% of his photos.

After our conversation the previous night- He sent me my last text as he packed up this morning - still not feeling his usual peace associated with Alaska - saying "what the heck am I doing. Uggh. Silly trip"
He had felt some unrest about leaving... for many reasons I'm sure... some of which he could never pin-point.
I hate asking questions now -- they are an empty impossibility. Yet I admit... I am plagued by them.
What if... what if... what if..... Did he... Is he... Does he... Am I?
and the worst, most painfully unanswerable question... Why...

Shaun was so beautifully alive in every way. I can't stand, nor can I grasp the finality of what happened this coming week. I was worried about bears... I obsessed about the damn bears. Why did it never occur to me that the angel could fall...

The world is quieter. The colors are faded. Smiles are intentional. If Shaun lived in your heart, you know this is the way it should be.

Can I speak the pain and not regret it? Will my grief be critiqued?
I can't pretend to be strong tonight. I'm so tired of pretending.

The world is changed -- and it should be.

Father, please take care of my only and my last. Shaun's first night on the journey. Emailed a year ago tonight. Smithers, B.C.
(5/30/08, 10:55pm)

Remembrance of a Beautiful Life - One Year

This is Heidi’s sister, Becky.

June 6th, 2009 marks one year since a tragic accident took Shaun from this world (shaunlunt.typepad.com). For some, including my sister, life will never be the same. This coming weekend we will be having a small celebration of Shaun’s life. I wanted to ask all of you to please participate.

Shaun always hoped his life would somehow make a difference. And he lived in a way that secured an incredibly beautiful legacy.
Something that has been very meaningful to Heidi as she has continued to grieve over the loss of this tremendous man, is hearing how he made and still makes a difference in the lives of others.

Some of you know and love him greatly and some of you never met him, yet still feel his impact. Whether you knew him well or not at all, if you have any comments or thoughts about his story, his life, remembrances and memories, or how his story or life have impacted, inspired or made you want to be a better person – PLEASE SHARE! You can email me directly at jbek07@gmail.com.
We will also forward all the comments to Shaun’s mom, dad and sister. They, along with Heidi, will cherish knowing how Shaun made a difference in life and still makes a difference in his absence. These comments will be read as we love and remember Shaun and his life on Saturday, June 6, 2009.

Breathe in, Breathe out

What do I say about my sweet love...

I very much want Shaun's life to continue to influence others - and if I can help in that by sharing some of him, some of me - I want to. These past few months have been some of the hardest. Sometimes night is just night... with no cliche about stars or dawn. Sometimes it's just dark and hard.

I don't want to focus on the sad part of things - but the truth is, as incredible as this man is, he is gone from the world. Whether it's a brief or lengthy sojourn until we meet -- the empty truth is he is absent. And the hole is unavoidable. Grief never goes away... it never lessens... but I suppose our hearts continue to beat nonetheless. Grief does not equate depression. It's a rich burden... one that I gladly carry.

I have loved hearing from so many people who know or have never known Shaun, and are impacted by his life. I have also appreciated hearing from folks who still struggle to breathe from losses of their own.

I haven't written in a couple of months, not knowing how to even sort-of contribute to the legacy he wordlessly left the world with.
All I know is I still ache for this incredibly good man. I'm trying to figure out how to balance the desire for life to speedily move forward to the glorious end, and somehow living purposefully and leaving a legacy of my own.
So - until I figure out those age-old questions - there is still peace in the rivers, in the mountains, and in the quiet villages of Ireland. Guess I'll have to visit them all...

I love you Shaun. That is one part of my soul that is calm and peaceful... it is sure. I miss you...

Blue skies and tail winds :)

Just found this picture today. Shaun emailed from his iPhone letting me know what he was up to. 3/23/08: "Surfing the internet with my paternal".

Father and son. More importantly - respected equals and the best of friends.

shaunlunt.typepad.com

I took the one less traveled by...

A much needed escape presented itself and I was able to spend 16 days wandering through Europe with my friend Samira. I think we got tickets in 8 different countries.
I thought the autobahn had no speed limit?

The road less traveled... in Luxembourg... or Belgium.

The ill-fated spelunking expedition...

Pitch Black, No lights, No headlamps, and not a whole lot of thinking on my part.

Decided to wander into the pitch-black (spider infested) cave - and didn't notice the floor of the cave (or lack thereof) until I was falling... Seriously falling.

The stinky venture ended in bloody body parts and a swim in a whole lot of thick stinky mud that must've been in that stinky pit for hundreds of stinky years.

Bloodsucker #1, and Bloodsucker #2 were discovered after trying to light the way with flash photography. Not my 'brightest' plan.
(That pun was for you, Shaun)The middle of somewhere - "Sleeping" in our toy euro-car...

Heidelberg Castle, Germany
Heidi and Samira - Heidelberg, GermanySnoozin with Shrek - Our version of the traveling gnome.

Bourscheid, Luxembourg -the reward for taking roads you're not allowed to take, and entering property you're not allowed to enter. This view was courtesy of a gardener who brought us to a trailer park to find THIS.

Speed limit for tanks - remnants from WWII, Germany.

Going green? Cologne, Germany

Classic Netherlands
"Please stop trying to speak Dutch, it hurts my ears"

The O.G. of Germany

Loch Ness, Scotland - not quite as scary as one would suspect...

Neither was Nessie...

Ireland

Somehow Samira pulled off the Glamour-shot. Giant's Causeway, Northern Ireland.

Claiming the throne - Giant's Causeway, Northern Ireland

Stonehenge, England - If you pronounce that /stowne-enge/ and think of Spinal Tap, then this one goes to 11.

Our plan was to take the smallest and most obscure roads and see where they ended up. It paid off over and over... granted, there were times we got high-centered in the mud, ended up in somebody's farm, and had to plead ignorance with the polizei after entering the no-entry zones... but we were also lucky enough to end up here.
A village near Easky, Ireland.
A throw-back to another age, and utterly charming.

Blarney, Ireland

Somewhere... Irish Countryside

Ireland

Blarney, Ireland

Another benefit to our 'roadless' plan. A beautiful moss-covered wall in the middle of nowhere.

Creevykeel (Court Cairn/Tomb) - from 4000-2500 B.C., near Sligo, Ireland - FYI, it's against the law to remove rocks from neolithic World Heritage Sites... hmmm.Mussenden Temple, on the cliffs of the Irish shore.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.