Trying

As those who deeply love Shaun walk through his final days, the tears never seem to run dry. Everything is so acute - not knowing what was to come last year - this time, everything is sharp... because I know how the Alaska adventure ends this time.
These recent weeks house my 'lasts'. Last laugh, last fruitless attempt at 'givin five' before he pulled his hand away last second, last quiet conversation in the night, last touch, last and final moment... last...

Every day I go back and look at the text messages we sent throughout our days - today is the last one to read...

He packed up his plane this morning, hugged his dad, and flew out of Spokane heading North to Alaska. We had spent last night talking on the phone into the wee hours... he whispered to not wake his Dad and Susanne. He was troubled. Didn't know why - just knew the trip felt _____??
Perhaps it was because he had forgotten his underwear at home in S. California :}
Shaun had every item he was bringing to Alaska laid out in his spare room WEEKS before. Meticulously thought through, weighed, weighed again, and ready... and he forgot his undies. Those and his favorite black fleece with welded seams - the fleece you'll see on him in 80% of his photos.

After our conversation the previous night- He sent me my last text as he packed up this morning - still not feeling his usual peace associated with Alaska - saying "what the heck am I doing. Uggh. Silly trip"
He had felt some unrest about leaving... for many reasons I'm sure... some of which he could never pin-point.
I hate asking questions now -- they are an empty impossibility. Yet I admit... I am plagued by them.
What if... what if... what if..... Did he... Is he... Does he... Am I?
and the worst, most painfully unanswerable question... Why...

Shaun was so beautifully alive in every way. I can't stand, nor can I grasp the finality of what happened this coming week. I was worried about bears... I obsessed about the damn bears. Why did it never occur to me that the angel could fall...

The world is quieter. The colors are faded. Smiles are intentional. If Shaun lived in your heart, you know this is the way it should be.

Can I speak the pain and not regret it? Will my grief be critiqued?
I can't pretend to be strong tonight. I'm so tired of pretending.

The world is changed -- and it should be.

Father, please take care of my only and my last. Shaun's first night on the journey. Emailed a year ago tonight. Smithers, B.C.
(5/30/08, 10:55pm)

Remembrance of a Beautiful Life - One Year

This is Heidi’s sister, Becky.

June 6th, 2009 marks one year since a tragic accident took Shaun from this world (shaunlunt.typepad.com). For some, including my sister, life will never be the same. This coming weekend we will be having a small celebration of Shaun’s life. I wanted to ask all of you to please participate.

Shaun always hoped his life would somehow make a difference. And he lived in a way that secured an incredibly beautiful legacy.
Something that has been very meaningful to Heidi as she has continued to grieve over the loss of this tremendous man, is hearing how he made and still makes a difference in the lives of others.

Some of you know and love him greatly and some of you never met him, yet still feel his impact. Whether you knew him well or not at all, if you have any comments or thoughts about his story, his life, remembrances and memories, or how his story or life have impacted, inspired or made you want to be a better person – PLEASE SHARE! You can email me directly at jbek07@gmail.com.
We will also forward all the comments to Shaun’s mom, dad and sister. They, along with Heidi, will cherish knowing how Shaun made a difference in life and still makes a difference in his absence. These comments will be read as we love and remember Shaun and his life on Saturday, June 6, 2009.

Breathe in, Breathe out

What do I say about my sweet love...

I very much want Shaun's life to continue to influence others - and if I can help in that by sharing some of him, some of me - I want to. These past few months have been some of the hardest. Sometimes night is just night... with no cliche about stars or dawn. Sometimes it's just dark and hard.

I don't want to focus on the sad part of things - but the truth is, as incredible as this man is, he is gone from the world. Whether it's a brief or lengthy sojourn until we meet -- the empty truth is he is absent. And the hole is unavoidable. Grief never goes away... it never lessens... but I suppose our hearts continue to beat nonetheless. Grief does not equate depression. It's a rich burden... one that I gladly carry.

I have loved hearing from so many people who know or have never known Shaun, and are impacted by his life. I have also appreciated hearing from folks who still struggle to breathe from losses of their own.

I haven't written in a couple of months, not knowing how to even sort-of contribute to the legacy he wordlessly left the world with.
All I know is I still ache for this incredibly good man. I'm trying to figure out how to balance the desire for life to speedily move forward to the glorious end, and somehow living purposefully and leaving a legacy of my own.
So - until I figure out those age-old questions - there is still peace in the rivers, in the mountains, and in the quiet villages of Ireland. Guess I'll have to visit them all...

I love you Shaun. That is one part of my soul that is calm and peaceful... it is sure. I miss you...

Blue skies and tail winds :)

Just found this picture today. Shaun emailed from his iPhone letting me know what he was up to. 3/23/08: "Surfing the internet with my paternal".

Father and son. More importantly - respected equals and the best of friends.

shaunlunt.typepad.com

I took the one less traveled by...

A much needed escape presented itself and I was able to spend 16 days wandering through Europe with my friend Samira. I think we got tickets in 8 different countries.
I thought the autobahn had no speed limit?

The road less traveled... in Luxembourg... or Belgium.

The ill-fated spelunking expedition...

Pitch Black, No lights, No headlamps, and not a whole lot of thinking on my part.

Decided to wander into the pitch-black (spider infested) cave - and didn't notice the floor of the cave (or lack thereof) until I was falling... Seriously falling.

The stinky venture ended in bloody body parts and a swim in a whole lot of thick stinky mud that must've been in that stinky pit for hundreds of stinky years.

Bloodsucker #1, and Bloodsucker #2 were discovered after trying to light the way with flash photography. Not my 'brightest' plan.
(That pun was for you, Shaun)The middle of somewhere - "Sleeping" in our toy euro-car...

Heidelberg Castle, Germany
Heidi and Samira - Heidelberg, GermanySnoozin with Shrek - Our version of the traveling gnome.

Bourscheid, Luxembourg -the reward for taking roads you're not allowed to take, and entering property you're not allowed to enter. This view was courtesy of a gardener who brought us to a trailer park to find THIS.

Speed limit for tanks - remnants from WWII, Germany.

Going green? Cologne, Germany

Classic Netherlands
"Please stop trying to speak Dutch, it hurts my ears"

The O.G. of Germany

Loch Ness, Scotland - not quite as scary as one would suspect...

Neither was Nessie...

Ireland

Somehow Samira pulled off the Glamour-shot. Giant's Causeway, Northern Ireland.

Claiming the throne - Giant's Causeway, Northern Ireland

Stonehenge, England - If you pronounce that /stowne-enge/ and think of Spinal Tap, then this one goes to 11.

Our plan was to take the smallest and most obscure roads and see where they ended up. It paid off over and over... granted, there were times we got high-centered in the mud, ended up in somebody's farm, and had to plead ignorance with the polizei after entering the no-entry zones... but we were also lucky enough to end up here.
A village near Easky, Ireland.
A throw-back to another age, and utterly charming.

Blarney, Ireland

Somewhere... Irish Countryside

Ireland

Blarney, Ireland

Another benefit to our 'roadless' plan. A beautiful moss-covered wall in the middle of nowhere.

Creevykeel (Court Cairn/Tomb) - from 4000-2500 B.C., near Sligo, Ireland - FYI, it's against the law to remove rocks from neolithic World Heritage Sites... hmmm.Mussenden Temple, on the cliffs of the Irish shore.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Love and Memories... Feb '09

VALENTINE'S DAY - 2008

This week has been emotional in many ways. I tend to do a lot of re-living these days.
And this particular week houses my most treasured memories with Shaun.
This was the week that he sat me down on his couch, hugged my knees to his chest, and said those carefully given three little words that he'd never shared with another woman.

Shaun was one of the few people I've ever met who experienced life in the synergistic balance of emotion and reason. Many people cater toward their reason, and others get carried away by their heart - Shaun couldn't and wouldn't dampen the importance of either. You knew that when Shaun shared an important thought, that it was something he had balanced, weighed, explored and sometimes obsessed about in both his heart and mind.

Shaun could relax and be nothing but silly and funny... but you would be in err to think that for a moment he wasn't keenly aware. Shaun was fair. He was honest. He had zero tolerance for anything other than the truth. I felt safe in Shaun.
He didn't share his core truths lightly - and when he did, you knew you were being granted access to hallowed ground. His heart is absolutely precious to me.

Valentine's Day can be a bit of a silly ritual... but it now is something quietly meaningful to me. It's a memory of LOVE. Unfeigned and untouchable. I have struggled with being pulled toward the hopelessness of grief this week, but my cute mom reminded me of a greater perspective. Instead of mourning the loss of his daily love - I get to carry something much more lasting and meaningful in my heart. I can have something to hold in my memory... and I can wait for home.

My little lullaby for Shaun. I cherish all you gave me every day. I know you're there.

I love you too, Shaun... and you already know why.

Life 101

(Making his famous nachos, chip by chip)

Did you know Shaun 'spoke' Morse Code?

He had a childhood passion for ham radios and learned Morse Code in his youth. Even as an adult he had a registered call sign.

He would send sweet messages that I would only have the reward of understanding if I went through the chore of deciphering them.

He actually knows Morse Code (!)... just another adorably unique little piece of his character that Shaun pursued with voracity. He built his character and his personality with devotion. When Shaun decided to learn about something he would LEARN it. If he was going to do it, he was going to DO it.

Example: He was very interested in guns and ballistics. He studied them backwards and forwards - analyzing trajectory and creating extensive ballistics charts (which he later tried to teach me with slight amazement that I didn't immediately grasp the complexity of his calculations).

I was always curious if I would ever be able to find something that Shaun wasn't amazing at doing - whether through practice or inherent ability. After months and months I was only able to come up with 2 things: 1st - Shaun was a little afraid of whitewater kayaking ( he wasn't the strongest of swimmers), and 2nd - the man could not cook eggs. He was actually a better cook than me with most things, which isn't a huge compliment to either of us because he's not a great cook.

Eggs are one of my few culinary talents - but one morning Shaun asked to do a solo-run on the eggs. He cooked the egg whites on very low heat for about 20 minutes. He was very proud of himself so I ate my rubber-band-egg quickly and with enthusiasm. He took only one bite (after having to saw the egg to create a bite-size portion) - then silently brooded, scowling at his plate for a good 5 minutes before picking up the offending food and sailing it like a frisbee across the room. He didn't attempt eggs again - one of the few things he ever stunk at... ever.

Shaun's passion for living and his devotion to mastering any undertaking is another of his gifts I carry into the New Year. As I determine a couple goals/hopes for the coming year, I think of Shaun... and I'm going big.

88 to Alpha Alpha Seven Bravo Tango

..-. .-.. -.-- / - --- / .--- . ... ..- ... / ... .... .- ..- -./
.. / .-.. --- ...- . / -.-- --- ..-

Happy Birthday to Shaun

Shaun's Birthday - 2007

It's Shaun's birthday today.

Last year I got to spend it with Shaun. He spent a large part of the day flying. He got up at about 4 am, announced that is was cold and dark and he would just "microwave my underwear and go for it", and flew the cub from Spokane into Salt Lake #2 Airport - landing right about...now! I picked him up - and we drove to Zinn Bistro to celebrate over a dinner of Spinach Crepes.

The next morning we bundled up for some snowmobiling! There was way too much snow and we had to keep moving constantly to avoid getting ridiculously stuck. We rode for a few hours and then bailed to go hop in the plane instead.
Shaun flew us into the mountains - trying to throw me off with some aerobatics - even though that meant the super cub would get covered in splashed oil. I loved flying with Shaun. He made attempts to teach me - but my patience wasn't always as long as my learning curve :)
I always felt completely safe with Shaun - he was certainly a master of his domain. We'd be flying along and all of the sudden he'd pull the stick back and do a backwards loop - then look behind him with a mischievously innocent smile. We hopped around - landing in various fields and diving into mountain gullies... Shaun was at peace when he flew.

Today is probably one of my best memories with Shaun. He held me tight for the first time and I remember wondering how it could possibly be fair that one person could be so incredibly handsome on both the outside and the inside. Shaun has always felt like coming home. I miss him.
Shaun was a sweet little boy - and became an incredible man. His parents and sister are truly some of the best people I've met. The apple didn't fall far from the tree... Norm and Margie - you raised a tremendous son. I feel very blessed to have had him in my life. Thank you.

Merry Christmas - and to quote Shaun - "may the peace of this season yada yada yada"

Happy Birthday Shaun.
Love you.
Heidi

Six Months and Counting

(Photo I took at the beautiful location of Shaun's memorial service)

Shaun’s thoughts:

“The gift of choice started with the fall of Eve :) (Adam didn't have a chance... poor 'ole sap... ha!) The most amazing thing is the concept of free will. The battle between God and Satan is truly not fair. God is going to win. He has all the cards. He even knows the ending, as does Satan. But faith allows us to make a decision to choose God because of our love for God. To know God is to love God. If we could see everything, we'd see just how unfair the battle really is, how God promises more than we can imagine and Satan promises death.

Brian [Brian is Shaun’s friend, a youth pastor in Washington who he greatly admired and respected for dedicating his life to what he believed in] and I were talking about this a few weeks ago, and I enjoyed some of his insights about a few of these details. The thief on the cross turned to Jesus and said, "I want to be in your kingdom some day." (paraphrased New Lunt version) Jesus told the man he would be saved, then they died. Up until then the man had been living a life worthy of criminal punishment, not at all Christ-like. Jesus didn't ask him to say anything special, or to "first do these tasks" or anything else. The man simply believed in Jesus and He was saved.

David is an interesting character in the Bible. He did just about every terrible thing a person could do. One of those "reality is worse than fiction" kind of deals. And yet David is the only person God ever called "a man after My own Heart." David did awful things, and yet he kept coming back to God, asking for forgiveness, asking God to be in his heart. If we were saved by what we did, David would be screwed. But we're saved through God's grace, through Jesus dying on the cross for our sins-- any of them, and us accepting that.

Anyway, all this brings me back to my original thought (though it isn't my thought, I'm stealing from other people, I'm sure)- Anything I do in this life should be aimed at helping to restore God's community with the people He created and loves. By telling people about Jesus, by living an example of a Christ-like life, by treating people well, by showing transparency in my dealings, by loving people as Jesus loves people to open their eyes to Him.

Well, I gotta admit, I find myself drawn toward the first 3 things more easily than the last paragraph. [This was following a silly pseudo-intellectual conversation on what was important in life and whether carpet should be considered toward the top of the list…]. OK, except for the carpet thing. I just really don't care about carpet. I know that is so irresponsible and selfish, but I just don't care. I probably need to attend a shag conference or something. Carpet does so much for me and I just walk all over it.

But anyway, back to what I was starting to say before I so rudely interrupted myself. My paragraph is my latest thoughts on purpose. It continues to evolve, hopefully in a mature and accurate direction. I know it's different than it was even 10 years ago. If someone were to look at my life and guess which paragraph I live by, I'm afraid it wouldn't be obvious enough. So I have a struggle with what I know is ideal, and whether or not I have my priorities in the right place. My friend Brian walks the talk, and I admire him for that. I can talk, but I'm working on the walk.”
~~Note from Shaun – December 2007

Again – I’ve struggled with whether or not to share my personal thoughts, and whether to share Shaun’s personal thoughts. Shaun was a very private person, but when it came to whether or not he could influence another’s life, help another move one step closer to eternity because of his transparency, he would have always chosen to share. I share his and my thoughts now, because he strengthens me, and I hope he can strengthen another heart. It’s unfair he’s gone from the world. I guess I don’t feel like it’s my right to keep his beauty to myself. Some things I’ll selfishly keep… some things I hope to share in an effort to keep expanding his impact.

Today, six months from the date of my heart’s darkest tragedy, please indulge the crudeness of my efforts and allow me to be a bit personal, to cry, to mourn the loss of my soul-friend, and my ‘shining moment in the sun’. In working with troubled relationships and marriages every day, I recognize the elusive nature of depthful connection, and the challenging, yet surreal beauty of its creation. So many can go their whole lives without creating that connection, without finding a person who connects, understands, and touches those deep, dark parts of our souls.

By some beautiful miracle, I found that gift in Shaun. Together, we carefully and respectfully discovered the core of the other, then moved in and set-up camp. Although love is meant to be pure and preciously protected, not all view it as such - and life experiences can jade the heart and lock doors. One's core is justifiably protected and seldom un-earthed... and few possess and develop the individual combination of traits, love, spirit, and courage to embark on that treasured responsibility and then commit to the challenge of fixing and forgiving when we foul it up. I feel blessed to have experienced the miracle - and with someone who amazes me, who inspires me, and who lovingly encourages me to be better simply by being himself. I feel I have been eternally blessed for that gift.

In Shaun’s honor, fight the good fight today. The battle is waging, but the outcome is already determined. The only defining point yet to be seen is whether or not we will allow ourselves to forget the truth and become a casualty of deception. Be good. Be honest. Try to love those that you have a hard time loving. And remember that ‘courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes it’s the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I will try again tomorrow.’

To those that are aching for Shaun today (and every day). I’m praying for you. I hope you feel him in your heart and hear his soft encouragement and laughter in your mind. I hope we reach out for our Savior and find the light at the end of the too-dark tunnel. Shaun’s core believed in something real. He sacrificed for it. He cried for it. He lived for it. As Shaun’s Dad beautifully closes his thoughts with… Fly to Jesus, Shaun.

Loving you.

Heidi

(Shaun’s family has posted a video of Shaun that his Dad took moments before Shaun embarked on his final flight to Alaska. A film company based out of New York heard about Shaun and was interested in highlighting Shaun’s adventures in a movie on Real Life Adventurers. The film company requested a home-video for voice quality and visual perception purposes only. You can view this video on Shaun’s blog – www.shaunlunt.typepad.com)

Birthday Wishes - Nov. 2008

It’s my birthday today. I spent the better part of the day today reading through Shaun’s notes, emails, etc. I’ve avoided much of that over the last couple of months… thinking that it might relieve some pain. It hasn’t… it’s just made things feel… well, empty.
Re-living where we were a year ago today, I have had the biggest smile on my face that I’ve had for months. Granted, there were tears flowing freely, but the sweetness of his heart, his witty charm, chased the darkness out and made me laugh the gut laugh! Like he always has, his humor, his silliness, and his love lit a flame of warmth and light inside me.

Shaun is so clever and delightful with words… but he is also so concerned, real, and humble in his testimony. It seems like his words are more for me right now than they were then…

“I don't understand it all. God tells me I won't understand it all until I'm with Him. Ahh, there it is again... faith. Man that's a tough one. For whatever God has in store for you, I don't know, but I know he'll take care of you for relying on Him. His Grace is sufficient. We all hurry to make our lives something, but I think God's timeline is much different. He's working in our lives through a process of us learning to trust Him. Patience is something I struggle with, seems like it's been long enough, in my eyes. And yet I pray for God's Will to be done...so I must let it be His Will and not mine.”
- Shaun Lunt – 12/01/07

Such a sweet man. He simply and transparently shares words of wisdom.
I wish he were here.
I wish I were there.

Anybody know if Birthday wishes on candles actually come true? Except I didn't actually have a cake... or a candle...

But, as Shaun reminds me even now, faith has to win. God’s timeline is different than my own. Bad days eventually come to an end. Heavenly promises are always kept. He’s working in our lives… be patient… let it be His will and not mine.

Missing you always.
Heidi

Isaiah 41:10 - For the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.